Today I opened a can of worms. They werent fresh. They had been lying there for a while. I am a supporter of Schrodingers charas trip today. Basically you cant say for sure that there are worms in the can even if the label says Kadi Chaval. The very event of opening it, by some miracle of calculus (wizardry if you ask me) could convert it into helminths in woucestershire sauce and there is nothing us -the mathematically disinclined - can do about it. Today has been such a day.
I resuscitaed worm one mouth to mouth. Coughing out sauce, he thanked me profuselyand asked me if I had some crap to eat. I told him these were no-bullshit days and so he ate a co-worm out of self preservation. Somewhat sated, we began to talk.
"Hows the writing going?" he asked.
"Going going gone"
"Ah; I see! Still obsessed with our own wit are we?"
"Not quite. I ve come to hte realization that i am of intelligence that is less than the sum of its parts. Added to that is the fact that my casual labour these days have added fewer parts than you'd expect".
"You see! Hence proved....... Shouldn't it be 'proven'."
"Bugger off ass wipe!" I squashed his first half with a plier and watched his tail wiggle to some ancient tune from the days when darwin was god. "No more mouth to mouth".
Worm two got electric shocks provided by the static in my flannel pajamas. All those nights of hard work finally paid off. She awoke.
"Saviour. My lord and master how can I repay you for getting me out of this soup?" I pointed out that she was in a sauce and that made things less dramatic.(i suspect worm one could have been right about my obsession with wit)
"Your wish is my command."
I examined my genitals. Being anatomically other, i decided to ask her something less predictable.
"Do the macarena" I said."Minus the pelvic thrusts"
"No im serious"
"Hi im Bloginder"
She looked at me, trachea welling (for she had no eyes) and began to wail. A worm wail is more like the high frequeny emissions on bus tube lights; but no less tragic than the ones were used to. It stirred a fat one from the top. Worm three. Succulent and fat like a baby water baloon.
"Whats it like being round there?" I punned. From somewhere deep in the can a laugh sent gravy bubbles rising in the woucestershire sauce. He ignored my comment and began to call for help in worm semaphore - ignoring me entirely. Worm two suirmed closer to the can leaving a trail of worm tears on the grey formica.
"Willie? Is that you?"
"Grace! My love"
The desperation of their attempts to move outside of their natural habitat became more deperate.
"There there willy. Im not all bad. Here let me help you two get things rolling again" I picked him up and placed him just out of reach from Grace. They puckered long and hard but stayed a worms whisker out of reach of each others lips. Will turned to me puckered with expectation written all over his segments. He turned back to face Grace and relaxed into the ball he is. He inhaled deeply and invested it in a sigh.
"You know what your problem is Bloginder?.... You always take jokes to the point where theyve gone to far and then try and backtrack with apologies and the image you have of yourself as a good boy."
I smacked him with my slipper, sending alpha helices of worm protein in a starburst from under my slipper.
"What the fuck!" Worm four was up. "You think your doing us a favour by saving us? You are only interested in saving so long as it adds to your holier than thou self image. Look at poor grace. She made a true gesture of appreciation and what did you do? Drown its intent and goodwill in corny half funny nothings." I looked at grace she was crying.
"Aww! There's nothing worse than the grating cries of a truly distraught lady" I began. "Especially when she runs the risk of dehydrating at the expense of her tears. Here, lets get back some of those precious body fluids back again." I picked her up gently and carried her to the can.
Then i began dunking her. Her wailing dopplered in and out except for the time she spent in sacue as worm four screamed worm expletives at me in an out of control sort of a way.
"He's fucking mad! You might as well kill us all straight away."
"Good idea" replied I, dropping Grace back into the sauce. "Maybe thats what you deserve"
"If you didnt want to hear what we had to say about you, why did you open the can in the first place?"
"Youre right I shouldnt have" I said, shutting the frayed edges of the galvanised tin cover. "I should have done this in the beginning"
The tin sat upon a log as I lit up a cigarette and use d the residual calories in the match to set the log on fire. As the flames caught up. Worm four's voice was fuller resounding in the holow space between him and the cap.
"You cant face us. Not me, not grace, not anyone but the ol taenia at the bottom for she laughs at all you say. And shell laugh! oh yes laugh and agree with every inanity you ever utter till she gets to your bowels - for thats where your soul is. And thats when she begins to eat. You my friend are your own best freind and enemy. And dont dont think that everything will be baked beans and ketchup. No sir! For as long as Schrodinger is remembered, you dont really know what lies in the next can. There could be cats who dont give a fuck, but there could be more of us."
The red glow on the can reminded me of the ripe Persimon I left uneaten. I got up and went to the table. The persimon in all its invitation had a small hole near the base. 'Fungus? Hail mark? Worm!..... wont risk it.'
Now i am warm and comfortable and there are but ashes left. Tea is my partner in crime and i sit reassured.
Many thanks to chuski.blogspot.com for todays "keeda".