Saturday, December 18, 2004

Idle Worship

My mind has been idling these last few weeks. Slight and continuous tremors keep the ol engine running, but nothing more. Another hour of mind numbing T.V. and there is likely to be a shudder followed by lights out. My idling, of course, is a concious invitation to the devil, who contrary to popular perception, is not a workaholic and enjoys his offs. He comes to mind late and with great reluctance.

He enters smoking a cigarette and spends a few drags at the door just to allow the knocking of my minds half horse power to fade into the background of his hearing. He is talking to Cora on the phone. She was my substitute devil for last week and left things in such disarray that the devil is likely to have a tough time even getting started today. The devil is organised. I repeat: not a workaholic.

"Cora, where have you kept the blowtorch?.... and the chainsaw?... and the goddamned sledgehammer? And just what in heavens name were you up to anyway?"

"You listen here Belzebub! If you want to get anything constructive from me, you're going to have to change your tone and cut down on your references to God. Call me old fashioned or dont call me at all"

He had taken a deep breath for the lambasting that should have followed but before he could let go Cora cut the line off.

He picked up a hammer, the tool closest at hand and began banging a long nail into the table-top on which sat the vice. He began with a few gentle knocks to direct the nail towards its ultimate direction. His eyes lost focus of the nail while his mind whirred and saliva accumulated in the front of his mouth - zoning out Monday morning style.

"Hmm" he thought
"Lamb.... basting!"
"Lamb of fucking god fucking basting!" he screamed banging the nail straight into the table top in two blows.

"Whatthe devil ismy problem" he continued, now banging the table-top, for the nail was now well embedded.
"She's right! I can't say two things without bringing Trinity into the picture. ....Fuck it all!" he said overcome and throwing the hammer at a the clock somewhere in the middle of my mind. He missed and shattered a memory or two that were in the workshop for some touching up. He just created more work for himself and as I said before, the devil is not a workaholic. He banged his head down onto the work table in resignation and finding releif in the drama of the moment, continued to bang his head, increasing gradually in amplitude and impact.

Collapsing into a cane chair, he stretched his interlocked fingers across his forhead pushing his head back onto the chair He sighed deeply and brought his joined hands down to the seat of the chair to a place in front of his groin where he sat. He closed his eyes for a moment and then realised that anyone walking in at that moment might mistake him to be in prayer.

"Fuck Fuck Fucking Fuck!..... Maybe I should just give up this whole farce and go back to my old job." He picked up the phone and called up Trinity.

"Peace be with you." rumbled a voice with depth of cosmic proportions.

"Get off the fucking voice modifier and stop being a wuss." began Belzebub.

"Bubba!" came the reply; a lot shallow and a lott more cheerful. "Son of a bitch! Hows my favourite man from down under doing?"

"Just great your fuckness. The guys have already begun to doubt my motives and ive had to give all the Gestapo down here regular jobs after they reported phone traffic to heaven from somewhere near where i live. Besides that, Lucifer has been setting fire to every Tom Dick and Harry he meets and though it does well to keep the whole 'hell thing' going, its really pissing the witches off who having being burnt at the stake already arent ready for a second helping."

"Yeah yeah the grass always looks greener........ which reminds me; They sent me this Baba the other day. Turns out hes been bonking his disciples. So im sending him down to you, with the tola of hash they sent along with him into the afterlife. These guys really know how to take care of their dead."

"Sounds good. Why dont you come down for a smoke? I got some stuff from a recent Mahkali sacrifice and loads of Lamb chops from when Tutankhamen came to visit last time. Boy those Egyptians know how to stock a fridge for an afterlifetime."

"Cant. Not today. Have to entertain a whole bunch of Seventh Day Adventists who went off a cliff." They are supposedly really pissed off and im going to have to pacify them and prepare them for when I send their pastor down to you. Is there anything I can ask Gabriel to send with him?"

"Thanks man. The only thing I need right now is good company. Im sick of metalheads and Tantrics. I need to get out, grab a beer,not worry about being scary or devisive enough. You know?! Take it easy for a few days."

"Chill man chill! Dealing with winged, obsessive-compulsive paedophiles isnt peaches and cream either. Besides what with all these down feathers, im developing asthma. In times like these, i just remind myself that Judgement day will make all this seem worthwhile. Just imagine.... the two of us sitting side by side while the world looks on in horror as you pull out a can and we split a beer. Good and evil united over a can of beer! We'll take their lists of sins and good deeds and light a bonfire to tickle our toes. Then we call on the Pope and ask him if he knows to salsa. Its going to be one big riot."

"You're right man. Just a few more years. Actually the condition is that since you've got the cushier part right now, I get to break it to mankind that were on the same side."

"Anyway you want it Bubba. Absolutely any way."

"Thanks a ton. Your celestial balls."

"Anytime Bubba."

"Ciao then."

"Ciao".The devil smiled as he put thephone back into his pocket. He sat for a moment or two up to his fangs in a grin."allright then.Back to work." he said.He sighed a sigh of releif and began to clear up Cora's mess.

A chunk of mind lay where Cora had left it in resignation last time. He locked it into the vice and looked at it with fresh inspiration. This one was going to be his masterpiece.


FunnyCide said...

that was one 'hell'uva funny blog!! :D
I read it all over a bunch of times and every single time I was laughing out loud!!

How imaginative. God and Devil splitting a beer and having fun at man, eh? The Pope doing the Salsa!! Hilarious!!

SeaSwallowMe said...

"...Dealing with winged, obsessive-compulsive paedophiles isnt peaches and cream either.." .....

.... ROTFL, dada :-))))) ... this is a heckuva stroll thru the devil's basement :-)

Doh said...

Awesome read!! ..what a way to start the monday morn :)

FunnyCide said...

It really is a masterpiece, looks like!! ;)

Peace to you!

Beach Bum said...

But it all ended well, for those of you who care.

Bloginder, with a couple of unworldly but interesting looking dudes, was last seen at the Taj Holiday Village in Goa. The three of them were at the pool bar, tall, cold glasses in their hands (trying to beat the happy hour system where beer isn’t included) and were scoping out the unaccompanied babes at the pool. They were arguing about who was going to make the moves.

Wish I could also have been there, Bloginder. You write a mean streak, buddy. And your haiku is Ogden Nash class